Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
