I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
