Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
