We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She tied me up with her honor cords...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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