My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
