Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Ketchup is God's man juice
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
