Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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