Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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