I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
