I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
