I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
