I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
