I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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