I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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