In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
50% drunk capacity currently
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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