Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
