I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Randomize
