on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
