I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Randomize
