just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
