I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
