Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
