I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
