Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
did i just pee glitter
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
