we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My bed smells like the plague
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