We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
