then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
