At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize