Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
