i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
