I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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