...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
