I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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