Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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