I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
