Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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