Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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