We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
