It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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