No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
sarcasm needs its own font
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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