I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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