I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
