Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
