I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Why can't burritos get me drunk
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
