I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
