Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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