good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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