I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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