hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
We're using joints as your birthday candles
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
