I cannot find my penis.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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