i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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