chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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