After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
