sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
