I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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