I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
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You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
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Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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