Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
