dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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