so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
