I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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